It’s been an interesting two days. Jon Shie and I, on our way back from AACMapella rehearsal, happened upon two homeless guys who initially asked us for money and then for food. We ended up getting into a conversation with them and buying them food; one guy, named Jose, in particular, seemed rather eager to talk with us and connect with us. (Interesting side note: the other guy’s name was John. Imagine that. Joseph and Jon talking to Jose and John..)
From our conversation, he admitted from the onset that he was an alcoholic who’d been through rehab several times but found nothing but pain and had relapsed immediately after leaving; Jose knew he was in a cycle of self-destruction, but couldn’t muster up the desire to stop, because in a word, “it makes me feel good”. Through that conversation, despite my constant attempts to find “the right thing to say” that would convince them of how much God could help? They ended up guiding me to an important realization: it’s not about what you say or how convincing your argument is, but showing them Christ’s love through your actions. God at work, not us. WOW. That was never more evident to me than in that situation there. Thanks, God.
Another realization from that encounter was the question, “where have I been spending my money?” Easily answered. Selfishly. To bring myself happiness. God really convicted me to be generous and wise in the stewardship of the money he’s given me. So in that time, instead of me and Jon convincing them of their need to follow God? God reminded me of so much when I didn’t expect it.
And this isn’t to show how “great” I am or how caring or generous. Because, honestly, I probably would’ve walked by not caring about them or having simply shrugged them off had it not been for Jon stopping. And that saddens me, because that shows me where my heart is/has been at. It shows, quite simply, how amazing God is. How God was able to use this unexpected situation for His glory, to remind me of these things.
And it doesn’t stop there. Walking back from large group to Coco’s for dinner tonight, I saw Jose once more and offered him a meal. Got to talking, and he’s found a job! Exchanged contact info, and planning to meet up Monday. Don’t really know what to expect, but I definitely don’t think this second occurrence was a coincidence. So please pray for me to be wholly reliant on God’s strength and wisdom, to be a good ambassador and witness of Christ’s love to this man. And for him, that God would be moving within his heart to reconcile him to Himself. And once more, praise God!
Addendum: I was really reminded of this song (not to mention the fact that it popped up on Pandora 30 minutes ago while I was listening), especially its chorus:
Carry your candle, and run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
And hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
It’s been a long, tough semester for me, particularly spiritually, and yet, God is always faithful, waiting patiently for us to return to him. How undeserving I am.
Came to a re-realization. It always sucks when a lesson you learned in the past returns to remind you that you didn’t fully grasp its implications. Been trying to fill my life with relationships, games, distractions, because they seem to bring meaning, joy, and love into my life, and I’ve carried on blindly in this way for a semester. Funny how I always repeat to myself, “God is what satisfies. Not any of these things you’re pursuing, Joseph”, but this semester, I’ve been ignoring that truth in my head and just going with my heart into the satisfaction of the moment.
It’s been tough. I’ve had a lot of faithful friends try to call me out on what I’m doing, but I in my pride decide that they’re just wrong and that I know what I’m doing. I participated in the 21 day media fast that definitely brought a lot of issues in my life into the light, but I was still rather reluctant to address them and change the status quo. And now I’m here. A day away from finishing the semester for good. The remains of a broken, sinful life engulfing me with memories of failure, of good intentions gone wrong. So much failure.
And through it all shines the one vestige of hope I have remaining in me. God loves me. He’s offering me a life full of satisfaction in him. Not the easy life of comfort and fun I’ve been leading, but not something that won’t fulfill my deepest desires. And that is enough to say, “Yes, Lord”, and follow.
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in TRUTH.
This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is GREATER than our hearts, and he knows everything.
1 John 3:18-20
No more wallowing in sin. No more avoiding the things that need to be addressed in my life. An ultimatum: to live life not for myself, but for the God that called me out of mindless existence and certain death into purposeful and fulfilling relationship. Lord, grant me your strength, your wisdom, your love. Remind me that you are the faithful God forever.
Of the power of God:
Acts 2:47 - And they added to their number daily those who were being saved?? NO. “THE LORD added to their number daily those who were being saved.” Not Peter, not the Twelve, not those sharing the Gospel. GOD.
- paraphrased from Radical, David Platt
I’m finally sitting down and taking some time to reflect over all the amazing things God taught me at recweek. It’s already been tough to maintain the passion and clarity that God blessed me with there in regards to how to live my life; just with all the constant THINGS to do, like starting my internship, preparing for next year, getting ready for actuarial exams, hashing out what I want to do this summer and all, I really feel like God has called me to just sit down and take some time to rest in Him, to remove myself from the busyness and frantic lifestyle to refocus my life where it ought to be at.
I see myself falling into the patterns of the world, forgetting all the Lord has placed in my heart to rely on him for and how he has been faithful throughout despite my constant struggles and turning away from him. I am EXACTLY like an Israelite, thinking back to how in Roots we saw the myriad of examples when they just simply forgot the Lord and looked to other things to bring them pleasure. I am an unfaithful servant, continually running away from my Father who just wants me to know, love, and obey Him. He knows what’s best for me - Himself. Why can’t I just see that?? Why won’t it penetrate to my core, to my heart, to the center of all that I am?
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I run away from you, seeking other idols
To occupy my time and fill my life with emptiness.
You implore me to turn and find You there at my side
Where You’ve been all along pursuing me, but I refuse.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
You tear me down, reminding me of the goodness in You.
Memories of Your faithfulness when I was unfaithful arise.
My life is a continual cycle of sin and redemption,
Of the grace and mercies I find each day in Your arms.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Your name is good, and living for Your glory is satisfying.
May I love and follow Your commands all the days of my life.
Grant me wisdom to live out life as You desire it for me,
A bastion of how You are sculpting me, unworthy, but loved.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
His love is everlasting.
Things have been getting prettttyyyy stressful recently, what with senior farewell prep and studying for finals. Alongside that, I’ve been disappointed a lot recently, both by myself and by others. I just keep thinking, this isn’t how things ought to be - I wanted things to turn out so much better. Disappointments in interactions with friends, esp. how they responded to an innocent friendly query, or in the way I utilize my time, or how my relationships with people are turning out.
To you: I just wanted to know how you were doing. I was hurt that you chose gaming over a brief conversation with me. I wonder what will happen if you are busy when I need to talk to you about something important.
To you: It’s just a game. No need to curse me out because your team isn’t doing as well as you’d like.
To you: Am I being ignored? It’s always such an uncomfortable feeling, making me feel as if I did something wrong. Did I?
To you, two of my closest friends: I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you at all recently, especially in the midst of what ya’ll have been going through and struggling with. Please don’t stop. Call me up. Pester me. Cajole me out of this hermit mindset.
And that isn’t the least of it. I’m frustrated and disappointed at myself for where I am, how much I allot time to things that don’t glorify God, that are just mindless wastes of time. Frustrated with my naivete and lack of boldness in investing in my relationships with others, at seeking out joy and happiness in all the wrong places. Pray for me please.
They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator, who is forever praised. Amen.
For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God’s sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous.
I’ve discovered that I tend to be so self-centered in my relationships, always seeking out what is pleasurable and makes me comfortable. That’s not really a good thing, because it leads to hurting the other person and creating messy situations… -.- I think the underlying cause of this is that I haven’t been trying to find satisfaction in God, but in the people around me and my relationships with them.
I’ve been reading this book called “When I Don’t Desire God - How to Fight for Joy” by John Piper, and it is unsurprisingly very applicable. Recently, I’ve seen my walk with God just continually declining, even in the midst of God working sooooo mightily, and it has led to me looking for joy elsewhere. And no. matter. what. happens, I keep making myself superrr vulnerable and getting hurt. Just a vicious cycle. Seeing others crash and decline in their walk with God and just wanting to be there for them, while seeing my own walk decline even faster. Soooo much brokenness :(. Everything just seems to be spiraling downward. But I guess this is what happens when you try to live for yourself.
Two things I want to live out:
“God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him (and Him alone)” - John Piper, the addendum being my own addition.
“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” - Mark 8:34b-36
Lord, I pray that you would be my all in my life. That I would see the true worth and the true cost of following after you and that I would seek out satisfaction in you. Let me be a light that shines you everyday.
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.
When I am alone, give me Jesus.
When I come to die, give me Jesus.
You can have all this world, just give me Jesus.
Jeremy Camp- Give Me Jesus (by BranPAmericanFtball)
I know I’ve been posting a lot about how God is so good recently. And he has been, totally revealing his power in so many different ways over the past couple weeks, ever since Rez Week. It’s been soooo humbling and amazing. Honestly, my relationship with God seems like it’s at the exact opposite of where it seems it “should” be - I waste so much time on things that are of this world and yet, God has been so faithful.
Case in point: God blew all of my expectations out of the water for AACMapella’s spring show on Saturday night; not only did it go well in terms of performance, God really worked mightily through Josh’s and Jon’s testimonies. We may not see material results yet, but I am confident that He is working and will continue to work! (To my brothers and sisters in AACMapella, continue praying for and reaching out to those who came! God is so faithful.) Then Sunday morning, after ACC Easter service, I got the opportunity to go to Gracepoint Easter service for the first time and see my brother in Christ Bryan Ho get baptized (and Wilson, Eugene, and Yong-ju). Teared up again realizing how far he’s come and how God has continued to mold him and grow him. This is getting to be… a tear-filled week. Wow. And not only that, three or four people accepted Christ at the service, along with several more rededications of lives to God. Finally, today came. Wasn’t really looking forward to today, seeing as I had a test that I hadn’t studied for this evening. Felt like I was too tired and burnt out to do anything productive. Finished the test, then came back and grabbed my stuff to head out to dinner. Got a text from Derek (who was ministering to Matt alongside me) that said “Just wanted to let you know that I prayed with Matt to receive the Lord!” and just stopped dead in my tracks.
God worked so much more mightily than I could ever imagine. To think that he could do such a changing work in Matt’s heart so quickly is a testament in itself to the Spirit’s power. Praise God forever and ever. It’s ok that he didn’t accept Christ on Easter. How silly of me. What TRULY matters is that we have a new brother in Christ who will join us in heaven forever. Let us rejoice with the heavens!
